"Ah, dear, don't have a fuss. I'll have your Spam. I love it!"

Isn't it nice to have a day off? A day to honor the veterans, a day to read a book, a day to plow through boatloads of e-mailed spam? Yes, I took a little time to rummage through the e-mails dropped into my spam folder, because, sometimes, important e-mails fall through the cracks. Sure enough here are a few that I need to follow up on:

Cleotilde Svetland wrote an e-mail with the subject, "Winter Sale! Codeine, Hydrocodone, Vicodine, Xanex & Valium." What better way to prepare cold and lonely season than by stocking up on recreational painkillers? Laugh if you will, but Jonna Angelo and Loriann Pasty, whoever they are, each sent me e-mails with the same subject. Clearly, they know about previous holidays-gone-bad and are just looking out for me.

Apparently, someone calling themselves "me" wrote to me. In the subject to me, me asked me, "It's me, any information about Mike?" Since I do not, as of yet, have any information about Mike, I have not replied to me. But rest assured, me is looking into it.

From out of nowhere, jimgreen wrote to share the following: "She mixed the dough with sour cream." Not knowing what it was she was supposed to have been making, I do not know if this is a good or a bad thing. I'm not a sour cream fan, though I do like foods which begin as dough, so it could go either way.

Here's one I nearly missed. The one and only bluecatfishman wrote to inform me that "Lady Jingly answered sadly." Look, friends, depression is no laughing matter, and I have always known Lady Jingly to be upbeat and chipper, so this really affects me. Jingly, if you're out there, give me a... well... jingle?

I cannot believe that an e-mail from my colleague cocacolera found its way into my spam folder. Seeing the subject "Still the Turtle bore him well, and I hate your son," at least now I won't be caught off guard. I can offer up a timely response the next time I run into cocacolera in the street, which could be any day now.

Abbe Burton spoke for her entire generation when she sent me an e-mail with the subject, "Music Good Said." It is a little too short for a proper haiku, but as free verse poetry goes, Abbe Burton is a force to be reckoned with.

I seem to be getting a lot of international e-mails these days, mostly from places I once visited or lived. Japanese native 地貸款成數。銀行到期還單代墊, a.k.a. Bank Arriving At Period Generation, wrote to tell me the following: "信用狀額度變現。房屋全額貸款." Though I am not fluent in Japanese, I ran it through my computer's handy, dandy translation software and learned: "Confidence degree of amount reality. Room house payment in full rental." Noted, good sir. Noted.

Last but not least, a Cyrillic cousin of mine, kaval 3, wrote to tell me: "Русские домашние оргиий. Здесь есть даже девушка для которой это в первый раз. Наслаждайтесь!!" With two exclamation points, I was all-too-eager to learn kaval 3 was telling me about a "Russian domestic orgy. Here is even girl for which this the first time. Delight in!!"

So, if you'll excuse me, I have an important appointment, and if anybody knows how to fix my spam folder so I don't keep nearly losing these important e-mails, let me know.