Fill-In-The-Blank Celebrity Eulogy

We gather here today to mourn the passing of INSERT NAME OF DEAD CELEBRITY HERE. None of us have ever met DEAD CELEBRITY, but we feel HIS OR HER loss deeply. We fondly recall the MOVIE/SONG/TV SHOW that made HIM OR HER famous TEN/TWENTY/THIRTY years ago. And even though the public at large has long ago lost interest in any new projects for DEAD CELEBRITY, we still feel as though the untimely passing directly affects us.

Why, you might ask, did we wait until after DEAD CELEBRITY’S death before buying any MOVIES/SONGS/TV SHOWS featuring DEAD CELEBRITY? We like to honor the dead the best way we know how: With cold, hard cash. Oh sure, we could have showered the living with love and genuine affection, but we prefer grief over the dead to celebration over the living. We prefer to prop up a corpse onto a pedestal rather than try to squeeze a living person into a safe and comfortable stereotype. Less hassle for all involved. Less chance of disappointment.

We’d like to thank all the news gathering organizations for interrupting their coverage of the people and events that actually impact our lives in order to cover the death of DEAD CELEBRITY. We don’t give a moment’s thought to what we aren’t learning as a result of uninterrupted coverage of the death of someone who probably wouldn’t have liked us if we’d ever actually met.

I, for one, am glad the lead story on tonight’s newscast and tomorrow’s front page of the morning edition will be the death of DEAD CELEBRITY instead of something else like the war, the economy, health care, or any international news. After all, DEAD CELEBRITY’S death may be sad, but those other subjects are real downers, and nobody is interested in them anyway. If anything, we should be thankful for the distraction DEAD CELEBRITY has provided us.

Forget, for a moment, what can only be described as the collective insanity of grieving over someone we did not know. When one considers the wide variety of mental illnesses we could have, irrational depression pales in comparison. That we share the same psychosis as those who cry when their favorite soap opera character is written off a series shouldn’t bother us one bit. And we should not read too much into the fact that we don’t grieve over countless non-famous people murdered on any given day, at home and abroad. If they never attained fame, they aren’t worthy of our attention, let alone our tears.

Please, good people, as you go about your days, do not make jokes about DEAD CELEBRITY which you would have made when HE OR SHE was still alive. While it does imply a double standard, it is common knowledge that the greatest sign of respect we can give someone is a double standard. We must show respect towards the dead which we would never show to the living – it makes us better people. And DEAD CELEBRITY would want us all to be better people.

When we look back at the life of DEAD CELEBRITY, let us not think about any of the negative aspects of HIS OR HER life. Let us wash them away, leaving behind only the positive part of the part of HIS OR HER life that HE OR SHE chose to make public. And let us assume that DEAD CELEBRITY’S public persona wasn’t just a media ploy or an attempt to curry a larger fan base. Let us assume that, despite human nature, when a camera or microphone was shoved into the face of DEAD CELEBRITY, that DEAD CELEBRITY was true to character, and not phony in any way. Let us assume that, in spite of logic and reason, we knew – deep down, we knew – DEAD CELEBRITY’S soul.

And now that soul is resting in peace. And we must say goodbye to DEAD CELEBRITY, and we must be quick about it because the rule of three tells us we have two more famous people waiting in the wings to croak and receive their posthumous recognition. As I scan the Good Book looking for an appropriate passage to help guide DEAD CELEBRITY into the next life, I find that the traditional Psalm 23 does not suffice. No, for this occasion, I think Exodus 20:2-7 is more appropriate. Sadly, I’ve just received the signal which says we’ve run out of time here today.

Thank you all so much for coming. I know that, to HIS OR HER family, the kindness of strangers will almost make up for the loss of DEAD CELEBRITY. Now, please exit the building quickly – but reverently.