Bitch Slap That Ho

Yes, I know, domestic abuse is never funny. Not ever. Not even when seemingly talented, independent, and financially well off women stick beside the men who allegedly smack them around. Then it becomes tragic. But it is often said that from tragedy comes comedy. I humbly present the latest in my series of comedy sketches which are funny, but too dark to be produced:

FADE IN on LOSER, a hapless goober who looks and sounds totally defeated. He’s sitting home – alone – and not at all happy with his lot in life

LOSER (talking to himself)

(sighs) Another Saturday night alone. What’s wrong with me? I date a girl, but she never sticks around. (looks at camera) Who can a guy like me turn to for advice on women?

From off camera, you hear two voices say in unison

Maybe we can help!

Extremely up tempo music begins to blast – very up tempo – like funky ‘70s gameshow music, CHRIS BROWN and BOBBY BROWN enter the scene from opposite directions, each placing a hand on the shoulder of our hapless Loser.

LOSER

Wow! Bobby Brown! And Chris Brown, too!

CHRIS

That’s right (to camera). Are you in the same boat as this pathetic loser here?

LOSER (turning to CHRIS)

Hey!

BOBBY (to LOSER)

Shut up while my new protégé is talkin’. (to CHRIS) Say it loud and proud, my brother.

CHRIS

Thanks, Bobby. (back to camera) We’re here to talk about our can’t-miss guide to keeping the girl you love…

CHRIS and BOBBY (in unison)

“Bitch Slap That Ho!”

Both CHRIS and BOBBY reach behind their respective backs and pull out identical copies of books bearing the title, “Bitch Slap That Ho!” subtitled “The Brown Guide to Keeping That Special Someone… Even If She Comes to Her Senses and Tries to Escape”

BOBBY

That’s right. With “Bitch Slap That Ho!”, you learn everything you need to know about keeping the bitches at bay. (holds up book) We got tips in here about how to destroy a girl’s self-esteem…

CHRIS

… And how to land a perfect right hook across her glass jaw…

BOBBY

… And, most important, how to make her think she deserves it…

CHRIS

… Here’s a free hint: It helps if you know a guy who can get your woman hooked on drugs

CLOSE UP on Bobby Brown’s face as he winks into the camera… even include the cheesy, sparkly “Ting” sound effect as he winks

CUT TO the LOSER, still back on his couch

LOSER

But, guys, I don’t know if I can bring myself to hit a girl.

BOBBY

That’s loser-talk. Here… (hands LOSER his copy of the book) turn to Chapter Two, entitled, “Reasons to Bitch Slap That Ho.” Believe me, man, there’s always a reason.

CHRIS

Maybe she makes more money than you…

BOBBY

Maybe she’s got more talent…

CHRIS (working himself into a rage)

Yeah, or maybe she disses you during the Grammy rehearsals, and, you know, you just gotta show that dumbass bitch who’s the man, you know (starts throwing punches in the air), you just gotta give her one of these… and one of those, then you knock her to the ground…

BOBBY

Um… Chris?

CHRIS (ignoring BOBBY)

… Then you drag her around the house by her hair, and…

LOSER is starting to look nervous and apprehensive… clearly afraid of CHRIS

BOBBY

Chris?

CHRIS

… You kick her in the ribcage, man, and I mean hard, and then…

BOBBY

Chris!!!

CHRIS finally snaps out of it and turns to BOBBY. BOBBY looks sheepishly at LOSER then at the camera

BOBBY

I think my man Chris forgot about Chapter Eleven, “Finding Your Happy Place After You’ve Bitch Slapped That Ho.”

CHRIS

Yeah, I’m still workin’ on that last part, Bobby.

BOBBY

Hey, life is a work in progress, babe. But the advice in this book is solid.

CHRIS

Hey, no doubt about that!

BOBBY

So, check it. Go get yourself a copy of “Bitch Slap That Ho!”

CHRIS

And feel free to bitch slap your ho with it!

BOBBY (fist bumps CHRIS)

Now you’re talkin’!

Everybody smiles into the camera and we cut to a CLOSE UP of book with voiceover of NARRATOR

NARRATOR

Yes, friends, that’s “Bitch Slap That Ho: The Brown Guide to Keeping That Special Someone… Even If She Comes to Her Senses and Tries to Escape,” available in the dumpster outside stores where fine books are sold.